LERISTORY
Episode Seven -- "Catch A Falling Star"
Albert"B-b-b-but Sir, you've just released-"
"-THE FUCKING NanoVirus(tm)! I KNOW THAT, YOU SPINELESS SON OF AN INBRED PEASANT HALF-WIT! It was the only way to teach those smartarse alien motherfuckers a lesson they won't forget in a hurry, no siree bub, not in a hurry...". General Moore felt a giddy adrenal rush wash over him as the enormity of his action hit home. He smiled warmly to himself, momentarily relaxed and satisfied.
"Better rush than freebase plutonium", he chuckled in thought.
"B-b-b-b-b-but Sir, the NanoVirus(tm)! It's never been properly tested in the field, and since it-"
"-operates on a sub-quantum level, quite unlike the YoungWorld(tm) cellular viruses, it's results may turn out to be utterly unpredictable. I KNOW THAT, YOU INSIGNIFICANT PRODUCT OF THE UNHOLY UNION BETWEEN A SYPHILITIC HELLWHORE AND THE DRIBBLE OFF A DEAD MAN'S DICK, WHY DO YOU KEEP RAMBLING ON ABOUT THINGS WE ARE BOTH FULLY AWARE OF!!!???"
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-but Sir, it's just a tawdry literary device to provide background information to the people reading this story."
General Moore's face froze in a moment of naked realisation, it shimmered and rippled slightly, and finally spiralled gently in on itself, leaving a fuzzy grey area of visual low pressure...
Far, far away in the mysteries of distance, on a planet not wholly unlike this one...
Jed Clampett(tm) was selling little Ginny Greenbaum from the Neighbourhood(tm) a quarter ounce of Acid Drops(tm), her most favouritest candy in the whole wide world. With a friendly grin and a wink, he tipped a few extra of the brightly colored candies into the brown paper bag. Then he lifted up the bag, and holding on to the two top corners, he spun the bag round and round to seal it.
Ginny stared, open-mouthed at this amazing feat, realising that all the gossip about Jed's special powers must be true after all. Jed handed her the bag and she skipped off into the sunshine, almost squealing with delight.
"At 23:00 hours today, the sun will for no apparent reason, expand to engulf the planet and supernova the star system into oblivion", a voice announced inside Jed's Head(tm).
Jed calmly went out back and fetched his fishing pole. He closed up the shop and headed for the local pond, determined to catch the Monster Catfish(tm) before the world ended. He put a sign up in the shop window:
Closed - Gone Fission
WHERE TH- WHAT TH- HOLY FUCKING SHIT! -WHERE THE COSMIC MOTHRFUCK ARE WE NOW!!!???", Rez yelled in absolute bewilderment, shaking and gesticulating wildly.
"Simmer down there, RescueMan(tm), it's no big deal really. We seem to be floating inside a large sphere surrounded by what appears to be white-hot burning gas. It's incredibly beautiful isn't it?", Lorelei turned to Rez, grinning from ear to ear. For the first time in her life she felt truly warm and human, all the hurt had completely evaporated, replaced by a calm, oceanic lovingness. Now she gnew, without a shadow of a doubt, What It Is(tm), and what she was, and the way things were...AND IT WAS GOOD.
Rez, on the other hand, was having a few difficulties getting things into some kind of integrated perspective. He was muttering to himself about aliens and the Dome(tm) and the .GOV and why the fuck had he gotten mixed up with this crazy bitch, one minute zapping him with a StimStick(tm) just for jolly and the next smiling serenely at him like she was the motherfucking living Buddha hirself. Well it was just too McFucking(tm) much, too McFucking(tm) much by a long chalk...
Lorelei glided gently over to where Rez was floating, curled up tight in an almost foetal position. She took his head in her hands, lifted it up, and gazed full and deep and long into Rez's confused eyes.
"You know what i said before about wanting to be WITH you, well now it's TIME. Trust me, wonderboy, trust me", Lorelei beamed the words straight into his central nervous system, buzzing them from his skull to his groin and then out across his body in dizzy waves of loving euphoria.
"Rezistance is useless", she chuckled as Rez unwound himself and succumbed completely to this crazy electric buddhabitch from torturetown...
It was a quarter to eleven.
It was dark now, save for an old ship's lantern, glowing soft and warm in the pitch blackness of the last sweet night the world would ever know. Jed was sitting at the edge of the pond, settled and peaceful, sipping tea and keeping an eye on the end of the pole. Suddenly it began to jerk up and down madly. Jed leapt up and grabbed the rod, letting out a triumphant hearty cheer as he began to play the catch and carefully haul in the line.
It was five seconds to eleven.
In a small apartment in another country, two dusbinlid dilated blue eyes listened in synaesthetic rapture to the dulcet tones of MC5, blasting out in the wild gone night:
"COME TOGETHER, BROTHERS AND SISTERS...COME TOGETHER!"
As fiery waves of untold energy engulfed the planet in one huge cosmic apocalyptic deathorgasm; the final fix, the end the line, judgement day, armagiddeon time...adios muchachos, adios...
"How was it for you, my sweetness?", Lorelez asked jokingly.
"Just peachy, honeybee", laughed Rezelei, "just peachy".
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