scrytch: "what language is that?"

by Darren Bauler

Date: Fri, 24 May 1996 05:02:10 -0500 (CDT)

we strung beads today because it is tuesday. i made you a necklace and it was going to be really pretty it was in my head in greens and blues but tony had all the blues and tony wouldnt give me any blues even though i asked him five times because he said he needed all the blues but tony is a liar.

i thought about if i could give you the necklace and i could almost see it but i dont remember what you look like anymore. but dont be sad because i love you.

my mother came today and showed me pictures of my family. there was a reunion on my uncle johnnys farm and everybody almost was there and my mom took a lot of pictures. she told me people said i should be there and she said maybe next year and then she looked at me. i gave my mom the necklace i would give to you but i cant do that and she put it in her hand and she cried. and i said im sorry but tony wouldnt give me any blue beads but that just made her cry more.

there was a picture of you and me from a long time ago in the pictures my mom brought. we were tiny we were so tiny you could fit both of us in your hand. and you looked like you kinda but little and not the same but kinda the same like when you see someone through a window thats foggy and you think its them but youre not sure.

there are a lot of things im not sure of. my mother said i had a dog but neither of us can remember its name.

your dad did not like me but he was the one who told me when they found you. i couldnt talk when he told me so he did all the talking. he told me when he went in to look at you he wasnt sure it was you. they had to check your teeth. i dont think you ever really took good care of your teeth. you dad said a lot of things.

when i went to sleep that night i woke up and something had come in my room while i was asleep and took my mouth because i could not talk. and then after that every time i went to sleep something came in and took another part of me. and i remember when there was only one thing left i went into my brothers room and got his twelve gauge and loaded it and went back into my room and closed the door. and i put the barrel in my mouth and i tried to reach the trigger but my arm wasnt long enough. so i got a pencil and i put the pencil on the trigger and put my feet on the pencil and put the barrel back in my mouth. and i waited there for a long time but nothing happened. so i unloaded the gun and put it back in my brothers room and went to sleep and when i woke up there was no me left. and i dont remember what happened then.

sometimes when i am asleep i think i can see all the things i cant see when i am awake and i try to remember them and hold on because i know im about to wake up and i try to hard but when i wake up they are gone.

when everybody goes to sleep i am going to go get tonys beads from the crafts box in the day room and i am going to make you a necklace because i love you.

i am trying not to make people sad but i dont know how to do that and everytime i try to ask somebody it makes them sad. i can open my mouth and talk now but when i do there is still a quiet in there i think only i can hear. sometimes i think that i am dead and people are sad because they look at me and they think oh no hes dead. but i dont tell people that except you.

i think that everybody is asleep now.

my dogs name was sasha and she was beautiful.