Untitled Netstory
by Paul Fly
CHAPTER ONE: MAILING LIST
(1)
From xajmi-l@isis.snafu.co.us Sat May 1 17:43:02 1993
Errors-To: xajmi-admin@isis.snafu.co.us
Date: Sat, 1 May 1993 18:03:34 -0500 (CDT)
From: Nicotine (pc@temple.main.il.us)
To: xajmi-l@isis.snafu.co.us
Subject: and then he dreamed
and then he dreamed. A dream of blindness. He struggled about, bumping into things, people shouting at him. Was he crossing a busy street? Somebody stole his wallet. All he could think of was the *feel*. The feel of dirty air, slightly too hot. And the smell, carbon monoxide. He could *feel* the heights towering over him: buildings of power, and their glassy sides were smooth, he could tell. Down here, in the street, with cars beeping angrily at him, it was rotten.
yesterday a hgih ranking executive had jumped from a window, at least 100 stories. Apparently those alien people couldn't stand it either. The impact of the well dressed, well groomed, executive had killed three others down here. It didn't matter, there was no need to care. In a dream, how could he care. He had been treading the edge, and was well aware. Blind, what next? He sat in the middle of the road, waiting to be run over.
and it became quiet. After a will to die, life could never be the same, he had killed himself. If only I could be him.
(2)
From xajmi-l@isis.snafu.co.us Mon May 3 1:35:29 1993
Errors-To: xajmi-admin@isis.snafu.co.us
Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 1:43:41 -0600 (EST)
From: Violet Dennai (dennai@noname.void.net)
To: xajmi-l@isis.snafu.co.us
Subject: Re: and then he dreamed
> and it became quiet. After a will to die, life could never be the same, he > had killed himself. If only I could be him.
if only you could be him? write me. please. and I must beg to differ, are you implying that life is not worth after one had given up, even if just for a moment. no, I say live increases in value each time, if you examine it.
really. walk around a little, look at it from different ways. you're not blind, nor are you crippled. Just do it, and write me.
violet
CHAPTER TWO: EMAIL
(1)
Return-Path: (pc@temple.main.il.us)
Subject: no subject
To: dennai@noname.void.net
Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 20:10:17 -0500 (CDT)
Well, I'm writing. I don't think you have anything to be worried about, if that was worry in your post. I'm not about to kill myself. You know, I'm trying to walk around, but I think I might been a physical therapist. See that, I still have a sense of humor. Oh, am I just using you, this blank unknown person out there somewhere, as a well into which I can sink all this frustration? Maybe I can justify it by saying "you asked for it". But I wonder, why do you care? I'm nobody to you, why not, if you have a need to try and help people, to help people you can see face-to-face?
(2)
Return-Path: (dennai@noname.void.net)
Subject: Re: no subject
To: pc@temple.main.il.us
Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 12:52:02 -0600 (EST)
and with that cue, she said: i'm not sure why, but I find it easier to talk to people on a deeper level when it *isn't* face to face. in person, i see myself as kind of bubbly, not too sophiticated, not too able to handle the stress of this level of communication. well, the level i find myself *wanting* to communicate on. i do want to help people, but in person, things are so normal, so mundane, i can't get over the initial step require to initiate something. maybe i just have weak social skills, or something.
why do i want to help people? i want to, because i have been in a place that sounds like the one you are in. and i'm not sure if i would have made it out if it wasn't for certain helpful people. i just want to give back a little of what i've received. i know that isn't a common thing in our selffish, post-modern world, or whatever it is. but i tell you, the alienation that was in me, that had been a translucent wall between me and everything else, including myself, is gone. you know what i did? i just walked around it. it wasn't a sphere, it was just a finite plane.
and don't worry about "using me as a well", i'm sure i'll get my chance at you sometime, i'm not the perfect, emotionally happy person I seem in real life.
take care, write back,
violet(3)
Return-Path: (pc@temple.main.il.us)
Subject: Re: no subject
To: dennai@noname.void.net
Date: Wed, 5 May 4:12:32 -0500 (CDT)
Violet, you are amazing. I know what you mean about "real life". Why is it I feel more myself here, in type, impersonal, than I do "in person"? That is not me, this is. In person I'm afraid I'm uncertain. Things happen too fast. Here, I have all the time in the world. I've always wanted a big Southern Plantation House, except that the connotations don't make me especially happy. Maybe its just an excuse for being exceptionally lazy. But the net, with its speeding electrons and communications over huge distances in minutes, even seconds, here, I can take my time. Ironic, I think. And typing text, so much better than speaking. Some people have wonderful speaking voices, great prescence, charisma. I have always envyed such people, I'm no public speaker. Sometimes when a group of people are talking, a certain kind of person can *quietly* say something, short, and everyone has heard, everyone has listened, no matter how inane the comment. Me, in such a situation, I can talk loudly and no stopping, and people not only don't listen, they talk right over me! Here, we take turns. Here, we take our time. Here, we correct our mis-spoken uttterences before they are uttered. This is more civilized, I believe. More me. Maybe not more real, but certainly more meaningful. To me.
(4)
Return-Path: dennai@noname.void.net
Subject: Re: no subject
To: pc@temple.main.il.us
Date: Thu, 6 May 4:21:45 -0600 (EST)
i agree with you. i'm very much not myself in person, you wouldn't believe it. completely different. although i might say both are me. i do enjoy real life. i enjoy the confusion that happens, the cross-talk, the arguments and yelling. i tend to split people up in different types. i know that isn't very useful, drawing lines around this beautiful world. but, in social situations, i tend to see people who do, and people who watch. maybe life is a stage. some people like to act, other like to attend. i'm a watcher. i go to coffeeshops and watch. people are very interesting, and so are things. still, i do need interaction. i'm not just some couch potato, watching the television show Life.
but I try not to worry about my quietness. a friend of mine is very outgoing, and enjoys it very much. it makes me... jealous. i used to want that, for so long. the ability to act, i guess. maybe you and i are alike.
are you one to give up a place in line at the supermarket to let someone with a lot less stuff go past? or are you one to hold you're spot come hell or high water?
violet
ps, there are more things to the net than email you know...
(5)
Return-Path: (pc@temple.main.il.us)
Subject: Re: no subject
To: dennai@noname.void.net
Date: Fri, 7 May 12:34:11 -0500 (CDT)
Well, I must say, in the last week things have gotten better. Thanks, I'm going to take to heart what you said, that one can give back what one has received. Maybe I got around the finite plane, haha. Time to write another story? What are the "other things" in the net that you are talking about. And, what kind of an address is "noname.void.net"? Where are you? I'm in Chicago.
Perry
(6)
Return-Path: (dennai@noname.void.net)
Subject: Re: no subject
To: pc@temple.main.il.us
Date: Fri, 7 May 23:11:09 -0600 (EST)
the place i find enjoyable is irc. you said you like the slowness of email, well, irc is a bit faster. each line you type is read right away. its a nice medium point between email and, say, talking on the phone.
i don't really know much about it, but on my system i just type
irc violet
and it puts me there.want to meet there, its more personal, i think? i'll be there tomorrow night, on channel #violet. once you join, if you can, type
/join #violet
and then everything you type i will see, and everything i type you will see.hope to see you there, perry!
violet
CHAPTER THREE: IRC
*** violet has joined channel #violet *** pc has joined channel #violet (pc) hello? (pc) are you there? (pc) musta screwed up... (violet) no wait, i was just getting coffee (pc) oh, hi! Is that you? (violet) sure is, how are you doing? (pc) I'm alright. This is interesting. (pc) You there? (pc) Violet? (violet) yes, oh... (violet) someth^H^Hone (pc) What's going on? (violet) sorry, i'm back. *** whizkid has joined channel #violet (violet) just spilled some coffee (whizkid) heya everyone, what's happening? (pc) hey, who is that? (whizkid) I'm me. you? (violet) whiz, we're having a private conversation (whizkid) set it to private then, whjat's wrong with you? *** whizkid has left channel #violet (violet) whiz, how? (violet) oh, he left (pc) I don't know about this... (pc) I wonder how many people are here now, listening. (violet) type /who *, and it will tell you (pc) oh, I see, its just us two. (pc) hello? (violet) yes, you still haven't really answered me: how are you? (pc) oh, fine. (pc) hey? (violet) hey, you know you can't read what i write until i'm done with the +line, so don't be so impatient. you know i'm here (pc) Well, you could (pc) not write such (violet) aren't you supposed to be lazy? :) (pc) long lines. (pc) this is too confusing. (violet) hey (pc) I think I'll go write you a letter. (violet) wait! (violet) ...perry? (pc) fuck, how do I get out of here. (violet) haha, so you're mine after all. (violet) wait, (violet) just listen. (violet) i want you to tell me about the room you are in. what kind of a +room are you in? (pc) Well... (pc) I'm calling in over my modem. (pc) I'm in my bedroom, sitting on the bed. (pc) Its not really very comfortable. (pc) the computer is on the desk, which is at the foot of the bed. (pc) I turned the monitor the other way around. (violet) what color are the walls? (pc) um, dirty white. (violet) not off white? (pc) they were white once, I suppose... (pc) Tell me about you're room now. (pc) okay? (violet) my room is a living room. i'm at home too. i'm sitting in a +wicker chair. (pc) Oh, you and you're long line... (violet) there is a cat wandering around, looking bored. my cat always +looks bored, sometime i think that cat projects boredom, giving it off +in bursts, making me tired (pc) lineS, mthat is (pc) mthat, argh (violet) typos don't matter (pc) I can't type as fast as I'd like, sorry to interrupt you, what else +about you? What do you look like? (violet) nbo arghs here (violet) haha, see? (pc) yeah (violet) do you really want to know what i look like? (pc) hmmm (pc) okay then, where are you? (violet) onew of the things i like most about the net is the fact that one +doesn't know what each other looks like (violet) even though saying that, to me, would imply that i like the net +because i am ugly, did you think that? (pc) the thought crossed my mind. (violet) so what do you look like? (pc) ha ha. (violet) i'm in ohio (pc) is that you're real name, Violet? (violet) yes, it was my mother's great grandmother's name. our family has +been passsing down names for a long time (pc) that's cool. Its a wonderful name. (violet) thanks (pc) Violet, I'm driving to New York City next week. I'd like to meet you +in person (pc) you there? Did I stun you? haha (violet) i don't think that's such a good idea (pc) why? What's wrong? What... (violet) i just think we'll bnoth be happier here. you and i said how much +we don't work right in social contexts. let's not ruin what we have. (pc) how can it be ruined at this point? *** brain has joined channel #violet (pc) fuck (brain) why fuck? (pc) just go away, brain (violet) no wait. *** action: brain doesn't feel welcome (violet) brain, have you met many people on the net? (brain) yes, why? (violet) have you met any of them in person? face to face? (brain) some (violet) how did it change your friendship with them? (pc) sorry, brain, I'm high-strung (brain) usually it made thjem stronger. The girl I'm seeing: we met +here, in irc (pc) Ah ha! (brain) making bets? (pc) Violet? (brain) you two wondering whether you should meet? Go for it, it worked +for me! *** action: brain smiles (pc) Violet? (violet) i'm sorry, i'll write you, perry (pc) wait! (pc) tell me what's wrong? *** violet has left channel #violet (pc) argh! (brain) sorry, man. (pc) how do I quit this thing? (brain) quit what? (pc) IRC (brain) :) /quit *** pc has left channel #violet *** brain has left channel #violet
CHAPTER FOUR: EMAIL AGAIN
(1)
Return-Path: dennai@noname.void.net
Subject: so sorry
To: pc@temple.main.il.us
Date: Sun, 9 May 3:12:34 -0600 (EST)
i felt it was dangerous from the start. the person i am on the net, while it certainly is *me*, is not really me. i fear i have deluded you. we can't met in person, because, i'm not who you think i am. a friendship based on a lie will never stand. i didn't mean it this way. i really do care for you, i didn't take on this other person in order to "help" you, or whatever. it was done far earlier. you've seen my posts on xajmi-l for a long time. this lie is old. it was done for fun, for a study. scientific research, one might say. i wanted to see what it was like to be female. i knew there were dangers, but after what i have been through in my past, i couldn't *not* extend a hand to you. you see, i had tried to keep myself, violet, impersonal, for fear of this happening. but i *like* violet. i *like* being violet. she grew on me, until i thought her as real as the real me. and she is: here. on the net. in the real world, she is mere thought. you can't met her.so so sorry, i only hope this hurts me more than it hurts you. much more would kill me.
violet
(2)
Return-Path: pc@temple.main.il.us
Subject: Re: so sorry
To: dennai@noname.void.net
Date: Mon, 10 May 21:12:23 -0500 (CDT)
You're right. A friendship based on lie won't work. I've known you a week, or so. I'm just glad it came to this this soon: I was beginning to love you. I don't think you know how badly I wanted someone to be as close to as it seemed we could. I guess I'm just too much of a sexist pig to accept the change now.
Yes, the net is a wonderful place. A place to be oneself, more so than would be possible in real life, face-to-face. Me. A place to be someone else, a place to do anything you want. You. I don't condemn you for it, but I suggest you don't try this stunt again, this way. As Violet, I'm afraid you cannot afford to be close to anyone without risking crushing them.
How sad.
Bye,
Perry(3)
>From xajmi-l@isis.snafu.net Tue May 11 12:34:09 1993
Errors-To: xajmi-admin@isis.snafu.net
Date: Tue May 11 12:45:45 -0600 (EST)
From: Violet Dennai (dennai@noname.void.net)
To: xajmi-l@isis.snafu.net
Subject: unsubscribe me
please sunsubscribe me. i'm going away.
violet