A GIRL CAN GET HUNGRY

i was in a mood for ice-cream. not just any mood, but the mood which wants the object to never end- the object being, ice-cream. i had visions of gargantuan portions, overflowing cups of which never diminish no matter how many times dug in. i was hungry, to say the least.

i weighed all of the factors in my head. first of all, logically, there is no such portion. portion by definition, my own modest, indicates some kind of boundary. second, If there were such a portion which defied all of my feebly constructed definitions, Then i dont know if i would want to be seen partaking. what would they think?

one of my few childhood memories is of being caught by my mother eating girl-scout cookies under a desk. i mean, it was late and i was only five. well ok, i still do it.

Theoretically, however, if i had an Infinite Portion, i could give it out to Everyone and they wouldnt Notice my Breach of Dietary Integrity.

the market was crammed with people, looking, for Something. a bandAid, Storm-Windows, I saw one woman looking for a frying pan but they were All out. a man passed by me who had written on his forehead "Iguana". there were other people who had stuff written on them, though not everyone did. i saw a group of women who walked with their eyes toward the ceiling. i wondered if they got tired of reading all of those forehead signs. a man was crying "get your ink-remover here" next to a man selling visible and invisible ink. i went up to the guy with the ink and asked him if anybody had ever bought the invisible ink. he said "not many, but people like to have a choice." i looked around but i couldnt tell if the blank foreheads were really blank or just written with invisible ink. but ive been distracted. i'd almost forgotten about the ice-cream, cats. as you can tell. the way i remembered the ice-cream again involves Iguana, but thats Another Story.

so there i was, remembering. which was worse, because it made my fear that i would never find the ice-cream man that much bigger. so confusing. at least i had some hope to hang onto- if i could just find the ice-cream man, i could get my logically impossible portion. i was getting crazy with anticipation. the itch would be scratched. the rock would stop rolling. etc.

do not think that ive made a long story short when i tell you what happened next. there's plenty of time for it. There he was in front of me. the ice-cream man in all his splendid dairy-stained whitery, scoop in hand, battle stations manned. I went up to the counter with surety. my eyes met his and i found my voice speaking like a key "I would like one portion of infinite ice-cream." i even remembered to add "please." the door would swing wide. wide. i knew in gluttoneous certainty. oh, my folly. the ice-cream man met my glazed gaze with a wide grin. he leaned over the counter to my ears and said

"what kind?"

"what kind?" he asked.

"what kind of ice-cream would you like is what i mean" he offered.

He looked at me semi-disgustedly, semi-sweetly. silence.

"oh. i see." he said. "No Problem."

"you've done very well describing what its not."

"BUT WHAT FLAVOR of infinite ice-cream DO YOU WANT?" he said melodramatically.

hmm. hmmmm. well, suffice it to say i was thrown for a loop. again. i weighed it out in my mind. first of all, i didnt even know what flavors there were. based on what can i make a descision. second, What If i made a mistake. i mean, i was *really* asking for It. an infinite portion. What If i got the wrong kind? i piled a third fourth fifth onto the scale. since i never like to do the same thing twice, i soon realized that though i wasnt Getting Anywhere, logically speaking, the scale might still come in handy in this situation. which was what led me to ask "can i get a sample?"

i even remembered to add "please."

i cant stop myself. friends,i am at the market and ive found the ice-cream man. perhaps you have found yourselves in similar situations. especially if you've ever been experienced. It wasnt what i expected at all. which is probably why i continued. am continuing.

"what flavor would you like to sample" he replied, a little kinder.

he handed me a spoonful of Candy-bar Classic. I put it in my mouth, and let it dissolve slowly. mmm. it was very sweet. "thats an old favorite around here." he said, noting my reaction. "Is that what you want?" i didnt have time to reply, as three men bumped into me, spilling my spoon. They all had very short hair, but were not bald. I couldnt help but notice them due to the fact that they were arguing loudly, gesticulating madly, and pointing to some incomprehensibly moving thing which escaped my vision. Right behind them stumbled another man who was obviously, drunk. "you wont find it there" said the drunk man, whose name, i picked up, was Denny Floss. He had a bottle of wine in each of his hands. as far as i could tell he was only drinking out of the left one. "not only wont you find it there, but i have all day to tell you where else you wont find it. there. ive said it. cut the toungues and pour the wine" he slurred. One of the shorthairs motioned to the other two, conspiritorily, as if to say "pay no attention to this wine-soaked trash". All agreed, they continued thier laboric efforts. Floss, i noticed, lifted the right hand bottle and said "bottoms up to you", going to drink. thinking better of it he instead poured the contents onto the heads of the three shorthairs. This sequence went on for some time, till i did wonder if his bottles were of the infinite variety. i was about to go up to him and ask him advice on how to choose flavors of infinite variety, but he saw me and my Candy-bar Classic first. "WHATr you DOING with that Classic?" he said excitedly. He turned to the ice-cream man. "Dont you KNOW? it'll rot her teeth. which is alright for her. but you, you she will put one of her seven Curses on." he said to nobody in particular, or maybe to all of us, the ice-cream man, the three shorthairs, and i.

hmm. i wondered how he knew about my seven Curses. My mother had given them to me before she died, telling me to hold on to them, that i would know if i had to use them. She said to use them sparingly, as she had to once, as the price was very high. I opened up my purse. There they were. That One Apple will not keep the doctor away. That Two Cups of herbal tea shall never change you. That Three Nielson Raters will always turn you. That Four Audiences will never hear you. That Five Aliases will never hide you. That Six Blankets will not cover you. And That Seven Sleeps will never calm you. All accounted for, i closed my purse. There was this moment of silence, until one of the short-hairs spoke up "i dont know who you're talking to, but she cannot give the Curses to me because ive never seen them, therefore i do not believe in them. Do you take me for a superstitious hag?"

which closed the discussion, much to my relief. i just havent figured out what the meaning of those Curses are yet. in any case, the outburst caused me to realize that i'd better sample some more before i made *this* choice. i turned to the ice-cream man once more.

"A sample of Rainforest Swirl, please." i said in a much more assured tone of voice.

the ice-cream man was about to hand the sample of Rainforest Swirl to me, was reaching over the counter, and suddenly froze. i got paranoid for a minute, and looked around, but everything else was still moving. hmm. his hand still gripped the sample and his eyes still appeared sharp, but he wasnt making the connection. my state of suspended disbelief was suspended when another man came through the back door to the counter, opened up a hatch in the ice-cream man's trousers, and withdrew a set of what seemed like triple-z-batteries. he attempted to toss the spent ones into an overfilled garbage can. then, a fresh set, inserted. he then pointed to a remote control device lying on the counter which i hadnt noticed before. "that should work alright now. damn batteries been wearin' out quick. i cant complain-at least ive got a job. ive been doin this for twenty-five years." he said, and vanished the same way he came, not before he grabbed a bag of Doritos, a box of Twinkies, and a six-pack of Coke The Real Thing.

i picked up the newly discovered remote control. odd. i pressed the on button and the ice-cream man completed his pass. the Rainforest Swirl sample was a little melted by this time, but its taste was still recognizable. i didnt want to waste energy so i pressed the off button. the ice-cream man said "i didnt think you'd turn me off like that." i decided to take a little walk around the Market while i enjoyed my sample. as i turned to go, i noticed a bunch of Nakeds jumping about. strange thing to see at the Market. some were sitting under a tree which others were climbing. very shocking. im not really used to seeing Nakeds. not even while playing the two-backed beast. whew. the way i see it, a thinly-veiled breast can be more titilating than one which is blatently, naked. Even underdeveloped ones. i had decided to go up to them to ask them why, when a women who had seen me looking whispered in my ear "they're not really naked, they're wearing clothes that look like skin." her information hadnt really cleared up my query, but i took it at face value. she caught my eye. on her forehead the words "Suspect Devices" were written in visible ink. "you're looking for Suspect Devices?" i ventured "mmmhmm. buying and selling. what brings you here?"

"what brings you here?".whap. like a wrecking ball, she was hard. i had to think about it for longer than i should have, but i couldn't ignore the question. "i guess i was hungry" i mumbled. "what? i didnt hear you." maybe i didnt intend for that answer to be heard. "um, i just came out to have some fun." hmmm. she didnt look like much of it. i decided to try to lose her for awhile. "well, nice to meet you." i lied. "i work over there at the Security Booth. come on over and chat later." she sd. the Security Booth loomed large in shadow behind me.

she left, i was alone. but her question was burning me up. a heavy presence, to be sure. what kind of a question is that, "what brings you here?" ? i felt like i had a rock in my gut. enough to take yer appetite away. she didnt mean any harm, of course. she was just doing what she's supposed to. was i doing what im supposed to? what do you suppose? time to break it down. stop all the action. turn off the lights. lets bring this baby into the sun. i came here to excercise my senses. sense of touch. sense of sound. sense of taste. sense of sight. sense of smell. sense of humor, more commonly known as sense of sense. this is what it means to be hungry. im hungry for you, for your laugh and your cry. i see you all here, at the Market. i see you. i dont care if you're wearing clothes that look like skin. do you see me standing here? im standing like a fool in the middle of the yard, clutching my sides from laughter. im whooping, coughing, wheezing, rolling in the grass, chuhorting, snorting and blorting. im blowing my nose on a crumpled piece of paper which i caught in the wind - im reading a book written in the sixteenth century about bumswab. havent we all seen that bright day in the middle of the night when two dead men get up to fight? its all true. ask the blind man, he saw it too. its all true, on Authority- ive got references.

will you come over for a dish of Pistachio ice-cream with marachino cherries, whipped cream, kiwi, hot fudge, caramel, pickles, steak, brussel sprouts, and tofu? a girl can get hungry.